The Antidote Within Me

Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay 

A wise friend once said to me:

"Please don't dismiss this opportunity, it feels like you're leaning toward the comfort of the evil you know, rather than stepping into something that could bring you great satisfaction. Don't do that."

She was right- on so many levels.

Looking back now, I realize how much I wrestled with the evil. It is a long and complicated story that unfolded over the years and progressively became more and more detrimental to my total well-being.

It is a time in my life where I spent too many years beating myself up. But the most glaring realization was that I didn't believe in myself and that I did lean toward the comfort of that evil I knew - afraid of believing in myself and stepping into something new.

I own those chapters and every ugly, beautiful, chaotic, sad, happy, confusing, enlightened, excited, hopeless, fearful, vulnerable, and hopeful moment that filled them. Parts of those chapters are known only by those closest to me, and up until now, I've only spoken about it publicly in general terms.

Those years, regardless of how much of an ill effect they had on me, still managed to provide me with valuable lessons and insight; which was the silver lining and the light in the darkness. It was my epiphany that life existed beyond the constraints of my mind and the metaphorical prison that boxed me inside of it.

I'm talking about a period in my life where I held myself hostage in a toxic work environment because I had lost faith in myself. Not being able to see past the surface, I didn't believe that I was worthy of anything better or that I could, for that matter, be something other than a piece of furniture. Or, at least that is how it felt. 

Labeling it as toxic seems harsh; however, there was ongoing destructive and dysfunctional behavior at all levels. Morale remained consistently low; people disliked their jobs and had little respect for management. The workplace was hostile and, at times, unsafe.

Leadership was non-existent. The glass ceiling was high and impenetrable, and the good old boys liked it - and wanted it - that way. It was a breeding ground for bad behavior, big egos, and incompetence; and ultimately, it was poisonous. However, it took several infections before I finally acknowledged it.

I have shaved down many of the details. There were so many layers, some more delicate than others; and others so stinking ridiculous and outrageous that I can't believe I bore witness to some of it. I've often thought about writing a book about my experience there and the lessons learned. How does the title "Persistent noxiousness, its effects on the inhabitants, and the will to survive sound?

There were multiple reasons that I stayed, the biggest one being entrapment in my mindset - no doubt in part caused by emotional trauma, followed by the comfort of the evil that I knew. I wanted a magic pill to fix it. But there wasn't one.

There was only one antidote, and it resided within me.

Most days, it is hard to believe I was ever in that space. Now, I can smile because I made it out, and my well-being is in check. I'm still me, but I am not the same person I was back then.

So, why do I tell you all this? I need you to know that being in that kind of environment is never okay, but also, I won't tell you what to do because I'm not you and you are not me. I can only share a slice of my life's lyrics in the hopes that perhaps something will resonate - and maybe even help you.

A few years into my turmoil, I found myself on the receiving of a scathing and bullying email - from my boss, who was an EVP. Honestly, it shouldn't have shocked me. He was a hot head and unprofessional most of the time. But, I had come to figure out how to navigate in his flooded waters. Or, so I thought.

For years, I'd been on the receiving end of his antics, but this particular incident took it to a new extreme. It was around the time that I was beginning to find my voice again, albeit slowly and with some trepidation. So, I mustered my courage (with some help from my tribe), and I marched myself to Human Resources. I use that term lightly because technically, we had no subject matter expert. Still, I remained hopeful that maybe this time it would be different.

I also hoped that perhaps it would be an impetus to change the internal climate and help prevent this from happening to anyone else.

Imagine how I felt when HR told me that while the email I received was in poor taste, I was overreacting and should address it on my own. I remember leaving that office with the wind knocked out of me. I felt defeated and even hopeless.

When I got back to my office, I closed my door and cried. I was angry and sad and disheartened with the whole thing.

It was a strong network of old school thinking at the upper level, so I knew to break through the barrier was next to impossible.

But you have to try, don't you?

I wrestled with what to do next and eventually found a few more ounces of courage to address it with my boss. I did my best maintain my composure. Regardless of anything that transpired during my years there, I always kept my professionalism.

Immediately upon bringing up the subject, my boss's face turned red and went on the defense; quickly escalating. This person felt justified in their actions because "I am an EVP for (insert expletive) sake."

And so I had my answer. Again, my efforts fell on deaf ears, but I had to try.

There were a lot of things I could have or should have done differently, but timing and circumstance are funny things. Toss in a person (me) who was already feeling low self-worth and voila! 

Ultimately, by me confronting the situation, it only fueled ongoing retaliation, and the damage was devastating: I had a soured reputation, a big target on my back, and I was intentionally passed over for promotions.

That confrontation and incident, however, taught me something about myself. I was stronger than I thought and my voice, misplaced for so long, was slowly finding its way out again. It continued to be an arduous road, but with work and dedication on many levels, I made continual progress in my pursuit to escape my constraints.

•    It took introspection and acknowledging my demons.

•    I started to embrace my vulnerabilities instead of being ashamed of them.

•    I enrolled in graduate school and excelled.

•    I learned that the silly boat and sea of ridiculousness wasn't for me. So, I swam to a better place.

None of it was easy. And I thought that my happiness had to be defined by things other than me. I was never more wrong. It's up to me to choose it, after all. So each day, I make a choice. But until I pulled myself out of the quicksand, I couldn't quite see.

It has taken me a long time to reframe my thinking. Fortunately, much has changed for the better. But, from time to time, old patterns and fears have tried to surface, and I work hard each day to focus on my well-being.

So, in case you need some encouragement, remember these three things, shared with me by another wise person who may have left this earth, but whose wisdom continues to carry on:

You are made of good stuff.

Don't let the turkeys get you down.

What are you going to do?

Originally published on BizCatalyst 360